This holiday season, something that you already know, but I hope to remind you of, is: Trust yourself

Life is not a check list, but here is a fun poke at that for those of us who are learning to let go but still love our lists. A list of thing to keep in mind when getting to know a new romantic partner.

“Fate is something that will happen. For instance, you will die. We will all die. This is fate. Destiny is the five options along the way that are presented. Destiny is how you choose to get there.” Paulo Coelho

Life choices are “easy” but life accomplishments are the things we should be celebrating.

“Life is not primarily a quest for pleasure, as Freud believed, or a quest for power, as Alfred Adler taught, but for a quest for meaning. The greatest task for any person is to find meaning in his or her life. Frankl saw three possible sources for meaning: in work (doing something significant), in love (caring for another person), and in courage during difficult times. Suffering in and of itself is meaningless; we give our suffering meaning by the way in which we respond to it. […] Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation. You cannot control what happens to you in life, but you can always control what you will feel and do about what happens to you.”

Home is where the heart is

I took a two plus month hiatus from writing to visit family in Canada and the States. As corny as it sounds, it was nourishing for the heart and soul.

practice the strengths of earth

have a giving nature

be grounded in your purpose

hold firm in times of turbulence

cultivate the qualities of water

move through life with gentleness

have access to your power t all times

flexibility and persistence increase success

embody the teaching of fire

transmute what you experience into light

be strong enough to have clear boundaries

have an awareness of when you need more fuel

internalize the values of air

release your expectations

embrace the constant movement of change

seeing is not everything; feeling is essential

yung pueblo

I was having a conversation with someone the other day, curious about life and what I would be doing one, three and five years from now. He gave me a wise exercise to practice. He said, think back to when you were 20 years old. What did you think your life would look like at 25, and then when you actually did turn 25, did it look anything like you had imagined it? Keep doing this exercise and see whether any of it matches up. He said every person he asks to do this realizes that it’s never what they thought it would be. It’s comforting to know we all don’t know what we are doing or can predict what will happen. We do our best, stay authentic and put one foot in front of the other.

Firstly, I am putting my hand up to say I am being cheeky. I chose the title Champagne lovers because it’s so much more fun than: Key factors of how strong couples tackle unforeseen challenges together. I do tie the two together in the blog, so do read on to find out the link.

Last week I had a follow up consultation with the fertility clinic where I had my eggs frozen. As I spoke to the doctor, she said: As you are considering various options, if you think being a mother is an ultimate goal for you and you are not yet with a partner, you may want to consider taking a few of the eggs in your next round and having them frozen as embryos.

I don’t’ currently feel a strong desire to be a mother. But this conversation led to a few philosophical questions and is certainly a new twist to my egg freezing adventure.

Feeling seen, valued and heard.

Reading this quote on connection versus attachment by yung pueblo resonated with me this week. I was reflecting on why certain people whom are no longer in my life would pop up in my mind and why others remained an integral part of my current journey. When I saw this quote, the answer came to me. People whom we feel a deep connection with, are people whom we understand and understand us back. With these people we feel seen, heard and valued. Such a simple, yet integral concept.

This week I was taught the difference between knowing something, and understanding it, on the romantic front.

Intellectually I know why something may not work for a reason, but sometimes I need a reminder to understand and feel that knowledge.

Last week, I learned the notion of the “est” trap and how it can often leave people feeling like they are not enough. We are conditioned to look for and be the “est” in everything. The sportiest, sexiest, smartest, funniest, wealthiest person. But there is no such thing as perfect. There is compatibility, but we can’t possibly be the “est” in everything. When we put that kind of expectation on ourselves and then our prospective partners, we subconsciously create this fear that we may be found out; that we are not enough.

Is safety and trust the same thing? Safety is the ability to communicate freely, to be yourself one hundred percent and know there will be no repercussions, punishments or other negative reactions when one person is expressing themselves. It’s about open communication, knowing you are valued, and seen in any moment. This means, we feel safe to be honest about what we are feeling and thinking knowing that we don’t need to feel self censor. That we are walking on eggshells, worried about the other person’s feelings or reactions. It doesn’t mean we are mean or insensitive.

We lie to ourselves all the time. But in order to fully open ourselves up to all the beauty and meaning life can hold for us, we have to choose to see the truth, even when it hurts. In doing so, we accept, let go, and grow.

A few weeks ago, I was reminded of something I knew a long time ago, and then forgot. When we are with our romantic partners, especially if you are living together, or have been together for a long time, it’s easy to go into auto pilot. You have your routine and you don’t even realize it, but you take your partner for granted.

One of the analogies I heard from Lumi during the 40 Days To Personal Revolution challenge is: how we are on the yoga mat is how we are off the matt. When I reflected on that saying, it rang true to me. I realized that how I am on the yoga mat, i.e. the attitude I have when practicing yoga, is exactly the same mindset I seem to apply to my life; in terms of how I deal with challenges, discomfort and goals.

So I decided to freeze my eggs. At the age of 38, soon 39, I decided that doing the things within my control would help with surrendering to the things I cannot. The decision was not something that as evident to me right away, it came with time. I write about this thought process in this earlier blog.

In April of 2020, almost exactly a year ago, my friend Isabel invited me to do a 40-day yoga programme with her, by yoga practitioner Baron Baptiste. It allowed me to gain a lot of different insights each week. To my delight, when I look back now, a lot of those insights have become part of my subconscious thinking and I implement them almost daily. Others, I have forgotten and need reminding of, still finding myself hitting brick walls and “suffering” through self-inflicted thought patterns. But, that is part of learning!

“Think of all the beauty you would not have seen if you allowed yourself to stop fighting; if you allowed yourself to give up.” Bianca Sparacino

One of life’s biggest lessons, if we can master it, is being comfortable with the uncomfortable. When we can surrender to uncertainty, we allow ourselves the opportunity to truly enjoy life.