earth water fire air
practice the strengths of earth
have a giving nature
be grounded in your purpose
hold firm in times of turbulence
cultivate the qualities of water
move through life with gentleness
have access to your power t all times
flexibility and persistence increase success
embody the teaching of fire
transmute what you experience into light
be strong enough to have clear boundaries
have an awareness of when you need more fuel
internalize the values of air
release your expectations
embrace the constant movement of change
seeing is not everything; feeling is essential
yung pueblo
I love this passage by yung pueblo. It is a good reminder of the qualities I aspire to live and breathe in my life. I sometimes attain these qualities and sometimes, completely forget them. Others, I know this in my head, but forget to experientially live them. That is when life throws me a little reminder through a challenge, hiccup or positive event. I am grateful for all the things I experience, positive and negative, as each allows me to grow, reflect, sit in peace or experience moments of joy that could not be appreciated if I didn’t feel the downs to contrast them. Of course, the goal is to be in equilibrium that neither up or down affects us much, but that will be achieved in baby steps.
I felt quite anxious and stressed the past two months. I moved flats, and even though it was about ten minutes away from my old place, it was more emotional than I had anticipated. I reasoned: it’s in the same neighbourhood, I am not changing much in terms of the local shops I go to, being able to see neighbours who have become friends, and the commute to places via the routes I am used to. So, it should be fairly easy. I had heard that the three most stressful things in life are bereavement, end of a relationship, and moving homes. I remember thinking, I am moving minutes away, it’s a small move, I am stronger than this. It won’t be as stressful as a big move and it will be fine. I found myself crying unprompted and unexpectedly a few times throughout this move.
I gave myself pressure to feel like I have fully healed from my toxic marriage (or have healed enough that I wouldn’t let my past affect my present decision-making process and thoughts). I remember feeling angry at myself at not having made more progress. A random Friday evening, I had a sudden attack of fear, so much fear of making another “mistake” and ending up with another abusive person/in another unhealthy relationship. I was scared of choosing incorrectly, of not knowing what my gut is saying or not wanting to trust it because my head was saying something else (and feeling like this was me repeating the same pattern as I did with my ex all over again).
Where the heck is all this anxiety and fear coming from? I suppose even though the move is not far from my old flat, physically moving to a new place is representative of a new start. This one feels symbolic and in line of a next chapter in my life. I took a couple of years to come out of shell shock from realizing I was in a manipulative and unhealthy relationship, finalize the divorce and become ready to date again. Once I started dating again, and through the process of meeting different people, I learned a lot about myself. I also realized at one point, I am ready to let someone back into my heart and to love romantically again. Which is exciting and great. But it doesn’t erase the fear that I have from what I experienced in the past. I understand it’s important not to let the past affect my present behaviour, and not feel like a victim. But being scared of making a mistake is still there and it’s a battle sometimes, to not let that emotion override my thought process. Moving homes dredged all these emotions up again, and when I felt frustrated at my lack of progress, I was reminded: two steps forward and one step back. Sometimes when we feel the most chaos and anxiety, it’s because we are actually making progress and it’s part of the process. I had a couple of good friends advise that I not only sit in the chaos, but revel in it and embrace it. When we are stressed, all problems, no matter how big or small, significant or insignificant, all seem equally overwhelming. But when we are able to step back or into the chaos with a peaceful mind and heart, we are able to see clearly. It was good to be reminded of that. After those conversations, I was able to embrace the emotions more whole heartedly. I can’t say the anxiety has disappeared, but I certainly feel more centered more often, and when I do feel the chaos of emotions, I just sit in it and feel them. I remember I am human; I am having a human experience and this is part of living.
Today, when I read this passage from yung pueblo, I embrace his words of wisdom and will carry it with me for as long as I can; before my humanness forgets and I got into some chaos of erratic worry and thoughts. Then I meditate, speak to loved ones, let the emotions flow through me, and start over again.