Knowing vs Understanding
This week I was taught the difference between knowing something, and understanding it, on the romantic front.
Remember the guy who broke my heart earlier this year? I had dated someone whom made me feel taken for granted, unappreciated and insecure. The relationship drained my energy and I was often left confused and frustrated. It took a breach of trust for me to finally break things off, but for whatever reason this guy had a real hold over me.
One day, heartbreaker called me out of the blue. I had not seen the calls as they were coming in, but when saw the missed calls, it caught me by surprise. It had been a while since the break up and I was not expecting this. Especially as I had emotionally moved on. But even seeing the missed calls caused havoc in my mind. I didn’t want to get back together with him, but it still messed with me. Why was he trying to contact me? Why did I care?
I left it for a few weeks. I blocked his number. He found another way to subtly contact me via social media. I let it sit for another few days. But thought, ok, he wants to speak with me and I am curious. We broke up in a way that didn’t really provide closure as it wasn’t in person and it wasn’t a proper conversation. It was over text, which seemed to be the main mode of our conversation on any serious topics. So I returned his call. He said he wanted to say he made a mistake; he doesn’t understand why he behaved and reacted the way he did during our time together and he realizes it was a missed opportunity. I acknowledged to him that it took courage to say that and it was appreciated. I mentioned that I was in a good place. We mainly did a catch-up call to say what we have been up to since we last spoke and didn’t really touch upon any of the heavy things. The conversation was a bit awkward, but I suppose that is to be expected. I think part of it is because neither one of us knew how to handle this or understand the purpose of the call. He asked if we could stay in touch and be friends. I hesitantly said yes because he is a nice person, and I like to keep nice people in my life.
When I mentioned this to one of my guy friends, he said this was a bad idea. He said there is no upside to us keeping in touch. He advised that I have a follow up conversation, ask the questions I needed to get closure and cut the ties unless something truly revolutionary came up in the conversation cropped up for me to reassess whether it made sense to stay in touch. So I texted heartbreaker to say I had reflected on our conversation and had a few follow up questions. He said sure and asked when I was free. I suggested a day, and didn’t hear back until a couple of days after the suggested day had passed. This all sounds very simplified, but in the midst of this back and forth; his actions reminded me of why this courtship had been unsmooth in the first place. We simply aren’t compatible. I don’t need to have this follow up conversation. I realize now, I knew he and I have an awkward dynamic, not because one person is good and one is bad, but because we simply don’t jive on some very basic but important fronts, such as communication style. And that actions speak louder than words. I knew this factually from experiencing it the first time. But it was this second round of contact that drove home an understanding of this. In other aspects of my life, I intellectually know things, but sometimes need a reminder to understand and feel what I know. I learned that from an experiential way on the romantic relationship front this time.
This can be applied to all other relationships we have in our lives; with family, friends, and colleagues for instance. Sometimes there are reasons why the relationship is bumpy or didn’t work out in the first place. But every once in a while, we forget the difference between knowing those reasons and understanding them.