“Make deep connections, not deep attachments” yung pueblo

Feeling seen, valued and heard.

Reading this quote on connection versus attachment by yung pueblo resonated with me this week. I was reflecting on why certain people whom are no longer in my life would pop up in my mind and why others remained an integral part of my current journey. When I saw this quote, the answer came to me. People whom we feel a deep connection with, are people whom we understand and understand us back. With these people we feel seen, heard and valued. Such a simple, yet integral concept. If it’s an attachment to a person or relationship, it feels possessive. It’s about control of either behaviour or outcome. We do not see the person; we want them to do something or behave in a certain way. We are not allowing them to just be themselves, or the space for us to be ourselves, and for two people to connect authentically.  When we are letting things flow naturally, we don’t put expectations on ourselves, others or a relationship. We connect emotionally, intellectually, energetically. Through that, we see things and each other as they are.

In the romantic aspect of my journey this makes a lot of sense. I was attached to heartbreaker, but because our communication style and other key aspects were rather incompatible, we did not have an opportunity to connect at a deep level.  And the frustration and confusion I often felt in these interactions is largely due to not feeling heard or valued. I was making a deep attachment to this person, but not a deep connection.

With the current person I am dating, we are more compatible in the fundamental areas, so it allows us to get to know each other and connect. Yet, despite the great compatibility, there are moments when I feel like something may be missing. When reflecting on this, I realized that part of it is because there are chunks of moments where I don’t feel seen, valued or heard. I do feel these three key elements generally speaking in our relationship, but in the past week or two, I have felt that something was not quite right and when I saw the quote, I realized that is part of the reason.

In my friendships, because I am less in my head, and relaxed about it, I simply connect with people whom I like and whose energy draws us in together. I am not overthinking, attached to any perceived behaviour (of “shoulds” for instance) or outcome. My friends and I spend time with each other because we want to, we enjoy the other’s company and there is no expected result like long term commitment or children (but it ends up being long term and committed any way). There is no ask of a friend to provide a sense of security or trust, it just happens organically. There are no expectations, or wish to control behaviours or results. The wonderful result is that with friends, we connect at a deep level. Some friends come into our lives for a moment in time, others for chapters and the rare ones, stay for the whole journey. With the friendships I have had the pleasure to experience, they flow into and out of my life more naturally because we are connecting, not attaching.

So they key take away for me this week is to make deep connections, not attachments. And a key element of this is to feel seen heard and valued.