The “est” trap

Every month, I connect with relationship expert and psychotherapist, Noam Sagi to have discussions on various topics. In our conversation last week, he touched upon the “est” trap and how this can often leave people feeling like they are not enough. It is normal for all of us to put our best foot forward when dating. We groom, we present the best version of ourselves, especially at the beginning when we are trying to get to know and woo the other person. Having said that, in our society, we are conditioned to look for the “est” in everything. The sportiest, sexiest, smartest, funniest, wealthiest person. But there is no such thing as perfect. There is compatibility, but we can’t possibly be the “est” in everything. When we put that kind of expectation on ourselves and then our prospective partners, we subconsciously create this fear that we may be found out; that we are not enough.

In my own path to healing, I have come to learn: I alone, am enough. We are born alone, and we die alone. This is not a dark or morbid thought. It’s simply fact. If we are fortunate enough to find and surround ourselves with people (be they family, friends, colleagues, romantic partners) that can be part of the ride, amazing. But we start and end alone, and we need to be comfortable in our own skins, we need to know that we are complete, whole and enough by ourselves. Anyone who comes along enhances the experience, but they don’t complete us. Thanks Jerry McGuire for that line (“You complete me), that had all of us melting and believing that we are one half of a whole. It’s hard to really feel or remember that on a regular basis, but it’s so important because it allows us to feel whole, secure and safe. It means in those quiet moments of solitude and silence, we can be comfortable in our own skin, and with our life situation (no matter if things are going well or not). It also means, when we do meet that romantic partner, we are stable, comfortable being an individual in our own right. That two whole people are coming together to enhance each other’s lives and experiences, but there is no expectation or need for the other person to solve my problems, make my life better, or fix any holes I may have in my heart.

With the “est” trap, if we constantly feel that we have to almost put on a show, it gets exhausting. There is no room to feel like you can be vulnerable, authentic in expressing and showing your flaws and imperfections. I certainly have found that compatibility plays a big role for me, in not falling into that trap. There have been people whom I have gone on dates with, where I felt more self conscious. With certain people, I felt like I somehow was putting on my best foot forward, but it almost felt like a show. Or that I couldn’t fully express my opinions, lest it offend them or freak them out (heavy or controversial topics). There was one person whom I dated, who was incredibly attracted to me physically. We got along in other areas and had good conversation and enjoyed spending time together. But because I almost felt that the physical draw was the main thing, I felt I always had to be at my physical best. And there was this (self inflicted) pressure to be super fit and toned. That, I can see, was a “est” trap I had put myself into. And compatibility has a lot to do with it. If two people are compatible, there is less pressure to appear perfect and more of an ease in just being together. 

I can see that there have been dates where it has been easy. The conversation flowed, we both felt comfortable talking about various topics, some taboo or heavy, but with a feeling that we both could express ourselves without judgement or embarrassment. Or that we could laugh at our own flaws and have fun acknowledging it. With some of those dates and people, we have become friends, because we realized we were probably not romantically compatible in the long run. But we certainly didn’t fall into the “est” trap and that is part of how we were able to discern our compatibility as friends and not romantic. And with the right romantic partner, we should feel completely safe to be, and express ourselves. To be seen and valued as we are. That means we don’t feel like we have to be the “est” in everything and all the time. It does not mean we stop trying or take the person for granted, but it does mean we don’t fall into this trap and left with a fear we may be found out. That we are actually not the sexiest, wealthiest, funniest human being alive. That, gasp, we are human, and have many flaws. Some of which is what makes us even more loveable. (Such as my lack of sense of direction. I get lost in my own neighborhood. Or that I drool in my sleep and my pillows suffer as a result of that.)