Safety vs Trust in relationships

I am starting a new series, where I have a conversation with Noam Sagi. He is a relationship expert with many years of experience and a lot of wisdom to share. Each month we will discuss a topic, let the conversation flow and see what insights we can glean from it.

My key take away from this discussion was the difference between safety and trust in relationships. This can be applied to all relationships, family, friends but it was discussed within the context of romantic relationships so that is how I will mainly frame it in this blog post.

According to Noam, there are three key ingredients to the foundation of a strong and healthy relationship. Safety, trust and communication. It’s the ability to share an experience, difficulties, and the journey together.

So, is safety and trust the same thing? Noam helps clarify this question by explaining what he means by safety. Safety is the ability to communicate freely, to be yourself one hundred percent and know there will be no repercussions, punishments or other negative reactions when one person is expressing themselves. It’s about open communication, knowing you are valued, and seen in any moment. This means, we feel safe to be honest about what we are feeling and thinking knowing that we don’t need to self censor. That we are walking on eggshells, worried about the other person’s feelings or reactions. It doesn’t mean we are mean or insensitive.

We can be and are aware of the other person’s sensitivities. For example, if I know my partner is allergic to cats, I will not go out and get a cat. Or if he cannot eat spicy food, I won’t be ordering spicy Indian food for dinner. When we know certain things upsets the other, their sensitivity becomes my sensitivity, and I am finding other solutions because I care about that person. That is where safety and empathy come together to build strong communication. But in safety, being aware of someone else’s sensitivity does not preclude the ability to authentically express oneself, knowing your partner can truly listen to what you are saying.

Most of us have a clearer understanding on the concept of trust, so I will leave that to you to reflect on. Would love to hear your thoughts on this word in how you view them in the context of relationships. And this can be a future post on the notion of Trust.

Tied to that concept of safety, being seen and valued as you are; Noam mentioned that often when people are dating or looking for mates, they are looking or falling for the “est” trap. We are looking for the Best: funniest, sexiest, smartest, wealthiest, etc. When we present ourselves in our est forms, we also have a fear that the other person may not accept us when we are not at our est. We have a fear we are not enough. I plant a seed of this notion and will write a separate blog post on this as it is an important topic that deserves to be fleshed out on its own.

In this conversation with Noam, I learned to differentiate between the idea of safety versus trust in a relationship. I feel gratitude that in many of my relationships, with my family, my closest friends, we have safety. We feel seen and valued as we are; warts and all. We feel safe to truly express ourselves without worry of repercussions and be fully ourselves. We have created a safe space for mutual acceptance, understanding and love.