Earlier this year, I had my heart broken
We lie to ourselves all the time. But in order to fully open ourselves up to all the beauty and meaning life can hold for us, we have to choose to see the truth, even when it hurts. In doing so, we accept, let go, and grow.
I started dating again ten months ago, and earlier this year, for the first time since the breakdown of my marriage, I consciously chose to open my heart up to someone romantically. In doing so, I made myself vulnerable, and got my heart broken. But, I also realised some important lessons about myself. Although the relationship only lasted less than two months, I reflected on this experience and these are lessons I gained from this short courtship:
1. I chose to live. I chose to take a risk and open up my heart instead of trying to protect it. I was hurt but I am very proud of myself to choosing to be brave and allowing myself to feel fully. Hurt in all its glory is part of being human and feeling, even if it’s not pleasant. It means I am alive.
2. I am willing to see the truth even if it hurts or is not positive. In the past, I was in an emotionally manipulative relationship because I chose not to see the truth. I ignored many red flags and lied to myself. In this mini romance, I saw the truth. I didn’t like it, and it hurt. I did not feel fully appreciated, the relationship drained rather than filled me with energy, and I was often left feeling insecure and confused. Trust was breached, and instead of excusing it away, I chose to see the truth.
3. My timeline and process for dating is more efficient. This whole thing took about 2 months to unfold. This won’t always be the case with every situation, but I am seeing that I am becoming faster at seeing the truth, trusting myself and the process is becoming more and more efficient. (My toxic relationship took eleven years to complete and for me to see the truth.) I know what physical chemistry looks and feels like. I am going to lighten up and enjoy the process even more.
When I realized this, I felt empowered, lighter and optimistic. In choosing to live, take a risk and go with uncertainty, I truly felt. Even though I got hurt, I realized I missed loving someone romantically. That I am ready to do that again. I also realized that when I did surrender to my feelings, I felt present, I did not worry about the past or the future. At the beginning of the courtship, I put a lot of pressure on the person, myself and the relationship. I take responsibility in my part of why it didn’t work out. So when the relationship did come to an end, part of me mourned the potential future I envisioned as a possibility. But when I did surrender to the present, when the relationship was still ongoing, I truly enjoyed the moment, and just being with this person. The trauma from my last relationship wasn’t being thought about, and I didn’t worry about the future; will this person be the one? Of course, there is always part of me that wonders, but when I surrendered, I was able to just enjoy each date with that person as it was. I had to end it for different reasons, as trust was broken and that is very hard to rebuild. Along with other factors, I had to love myself more and choose to walk away. But I felt that “mistake,” the accompanying heartbreak was a great learning and I have no regrets.
Unexpectedly, I started dating someone else after this courtship. (I had decided I was going to take a break after this tumultuous two months.) I have taken the lessons from this short courtship into my new dating experience. This time, because it may be with someone more compatible, perhaps it’s timing or a combination of things, it feels easy. It flows. And I am proud to be alive, making myself vulnerable and knowing I may get hurt again. But I am wiser from each experience and I choose to live fully.