You choose to be with your partner, every day. Don’t take each other for granted.

A few weeks ago, I was reminded of something I knew a long time ago, and then forgot. When we are with our romantic partners, especially if you are living together, or have been together for a long time, it’s easy to go into auto pilot. You have your routine and you don’t even realize it, but you take your partner for granted. I have certainly done that with many loved ones, including my best friend or family members. The thing is, for better or worse, we are stuck with family. I am certainly glad I am “stuck” with my family members. With friends and romantic partners, it is much more of an active choice. Yes, you may have children, a family, be married, or not, but in many ways, it’s easier to cut ties with them than it is with your mother, father or sibling.

I am writing this because as I start dating again, there is the newness of getting to know someone. The butterflies, the uncertainty, the excitement. And it’s implicit that at the start of a courtship, it’s certainly a choice to be spending time with this person. Do I want to get to know you better? Do I want to spend my time with you, instead of this other potential date, or with my friends or other loved ones? We need to make room for this person and it’s an active and conscious choice. The person I am currently seeing said this the other day: I noticed our pattern is that we usually meet up on Saturdays in person, but I didn’t want to assume, so I wanted to check; would you like to meet this coming Saturday? I thought that was really sweet. By this point, it had become a pretty steady pattern, but to have the person acknowledge that it’s a choice, that we are making time for each other and appreciate it, was really nice.

When I was with my ex, at the start of the relationship, I was conscious that it was a choice for me to be with him (and vise versa). We were independent professionals with our own personalities, careers and aspirations. We shared similar values and I knew I was choosing to be with this person. Somewhere along the road, it became habit. I stopped remembering I had a choice, I stopped remembering I have a voice, my own personality and slowly became someone who no longer trusted herself. This is not to harp on about a past relationship that eventually became unhealthy, it’s to say that I once knew: the person I am with romantically is someone I choose to be with, every single day. (This applies to friendships as well, we just don’t over think it as much.)

And today, as I start the journey of opening myself up to looking for people to share my time and life with, I am reminded that each interaction is a choice. I will have a post it note in my bathroom mirror when I get to a place where it’s so comfortable that I may slip into the danger of taking my partner for granted and vise versa. The note will remind me that I choose to be with this person because they make me happy, fulfil me, bring me security, laughter and love. And in return I give this person the same things, or fulfil their needs in other ways, and we choose to share our lives, our time and energy with each other. To find someone that gives you a sense of security, comfort, loves and accepts you as you are, and whom you feel the same way about, is rare and precious.  

This evening and tomorrow morning, as you go to sleep and wake up next to your partner, remember: you choose to be with this person as he/she chooses to be with you. Cherish what you have, don’t take that person for granted and make an effort to be present with him/her.