Champagne lovers

Firstly, I am putting my hand up to say I am being cheeky. I chose the title Champagne lovers because it’s so much more fun than: Key factors of how strong couples tackle unforeseen challenges together. I do tie the two together in the blog, so do read on to find out the link.

Recently, as we caught up on our personal lives, Noam mentioned that their son had been sent home from school for ten days because of a covid precaution with his class. Him and his wife were told the evening before, and this threw a wrench in their working schedule and plans. Though it was clear it was disruptive and stressful, I know this couple, and understood that it would have been an inconvenience but something they would have tackled easily, and as a team. So, with that conversation starter, I asked him to share with us what he thought are the key ingredients for how strong couples deal with unforeseen challenges.

One: it’s about expectations.

One key factor is how each one of us as individuals handle surprises, both positive and negative. For instance, do we love birthdays with surprises? Do we associate surprises with positive or negative feelings? It comes down to flexibility versus rigidity in terms of personality. Then, how do the couple view surprises as a team? Do they feel that they can tackle it together? When a couple anticipates that life will be full of both positive and negative unforeseen circumstances, and that each one is an opportunity to grow as a couple, it strengthens their ability to be a strong team.

Each one of us has the ability to both be an oak tree, strong solid and rigid; and a bamboo, flexible and bending. We may have an inclination to be more one over the other, but we are capable of both. And we have that personality as a couple as well. If as a couple, two people know how to be flexible, they can be rigid and flexible at different times. One being the one bending when the other isn’t able to.

How resilient a couple is, is based on the experiences before and after these surprises. Part of that growth is understanding the strengths and sensitivities of each party when it comes to how they react to unforeseen challenges. If one person goes into despair when an unexpected event happens, can one partner hold space for the other? Can they acknowledge that person’s feelings, lean into it, include it as part of the reaction and say that it is ok? They work together to give each other the space and action that is needed, and do not push their own agenda or need onto the other person.

An example Noam mentioned was couples going through IVF. It can be one of the toughest things to go through as a couple because it is riddled with hope and disappointments. It’s an emotional process and there is no way around it. But if a couple (this is much easier said than done) is able to look at this process, no matter what the outcome, as an experience that will enrich them, then it strengthens the relationship. He used a phrase I really like, champagne lovers. Going through IVF is in many ways, the opposite of being champagne lovers (essentially, affairs). The hardest decision you would make together as champagne lovers is where and how to meet; how to keep it a secret and what champagne to drink. Because you only meet for a few hours a week, you don’t need to think about kids, mortgage; real life. Affairs are easy, sexy, simple and shiny.

Two: clarity

Another factor to keep in mind when overcoming unforeseen challenges as a couple is the need for clarity. When we are feeling overwhelmed in an emotional situation, we are often in a fog. We need to acknowledge the feeling, sit with it, and allow it to evaporate. Only then can we have clarity. Don’t react before you have clarity.

With emotions—park it. What do we need to do to solve the problem? Acknowledge what we feel. And ask ourselves, can we put it away for now; in order to deal with the immediate, urgent situation at hand?

If it’s not urgent or existential, let’s tackle the emotion so we can move past the fog and into the clarity before making a decision. It could be as simple as making your partner a cup of tea, or going for a walk. It’s stopping the domino effect so the emotion does not take over or affect a decision-making process. It’s creating a space between A and B. Once you have created the space, we can see what is in front of us.

It is also about how can the couple appreciate each other in the moment, so they can work as a team. What makes relationships strong are the things you overcome together. You see each other properly (a great topic Noam and I covered in another blog).

So when the next unexpected hiccup appears in your life, see if these things are already in your relationship and how they are applied. Would love to hear about your experiences.