Yuletide carol: Trust yourself
This coming weekend is already Christmas. Time has really flown for me, not only this past year, but the past two and half years. For me, that is when I walked away from an unhealthy romantic union.
From weekend to weekend, year to year… What struck me last weekend was the lack of self confidence I still have. Whether that is a product many years prior this past decade, or being in an eleven-year relationship that slowly eroded my sense of self, the results are astonishing. I went climbing with two friends who are experienced people with many years under their belt. I recently got introduced to top rope and lead climbing (which requires you to know what you are doing because if you mess up there is a chance you can fall from very high and hurt yourself or potentially die). I learned the skills needed and passed an exam in less than a month, when I was in Dallas visiting family. Something I was chuffed about and still proud of. Since coming back to London, I haven’t had the opportunity to do lead climbing, until last weekend. I didn’t pass the exam here because I was so nervous and forgot some very basic things. Luckily, because my two friends are experienced, they agreed to supervise me, which meant I could still lead climb. On my very first climb with them, I was genuinely scared and did not trust myself. I said to the guys, let’s just skip my turn, lets do the safe climbing (top rope and auto belay), I really don’t think I can do this. I’m scared I am going to make a mistake and fall and get really hurt. Both of them looked at me with confidence and trust and said, we’ve got you. We won’t let you fall; you can do this. With this confident nudge, I hesitantly started climbing. Halfway through, I remembered all the things I was over thinking, and remembered how much I absolutely love lead climbing.
By the time I got to the top, I had regained my confidence, and remembered all the knowledge I had stored in my head somewhere. By the end of the day, I had conquered new levels, persevered when I was struggling to get to the very top and felt like the world was my oyster again. What was fascinating was the difference in how I felt from that very first climb to the last one. I was and am, still the same person. Same skillset, knowledge, tenacity level. But I truly did not think I could lead climb again at the very start. And I don’t know if it’s because the two friends are male, or very experienced, but neither one of them ever lacked confidence or faith in themselves. They trusted themselves to do this and to be able to catch me, even when I was terrified and thought I would make a mistake that could cost them as well. This was a huge reminder and lesson for me because I used to be that girl. I still have fears and, in the past, it did slow me down but it never stopped me. But this time, the genuine fear that I did no think I could climb was visceral and I was paralyzed. I was not even willing to start. By the end of it I had re-discovered the courageous woman that I am, who overthinks but takes steps forward to face those fears and know that I am doing my best. I will hold on to this feeling whenever I feel paralyzed or overwhelmed. It “just” takes a change in perspective and the faith to take that first, second and third step.
When I look back at two Christmases ago, I was still shell shocked. I had left an eleven-year relationship, six months prior, and still coming to grips with what all of that meant. A close friend of mine didn’t even ask, she flew over from Switzerland with her family for us to spend the holidays together. Last Christmas I was spending it with another good friend and her family; her two sons loved being with my labradoodle Chloe. I had the pleasure to be in a traditional family environment and felt very loved. This Christmas, I will be spending it with two fellow single friends and we are having a girl’s sleepover for several days. We will watch movies, have popcorn and enjoy ridiculously rich food (as one of them is Italian and a fabulous cook). I also feel incredibly lucky I had the opportunity to spend two whole months with my family in Canada and the States right before the holidays, so I don’t feel sad that I am not with them over Christmas. Time has flown for me, and one of the biggest lessons that I was reminded of this holiday season is Trust Yourself. This has been an incredible journey that continues to unfold. I have my ups and downs, as we all do. But I trust myself to figure things out when there are challenges. I trust me to surround myself with amazing people who will help me pick myself up when I fall. I trust myself and my intuition to take me where I need to go, even if sometimes I make a diversion that may not be the correct path. This holiday season, I wish you love, joy, peace and trust. Trust in yourself, and the knowledge that you, alone, are enough. You will take you where you need to go, and if you are lucky, you will have amazing souls and humans along that ride with you, but YOU are the one and only source that is needed.