Life choices vs life accomplishments
I was catching up with a friend earlier this week and she said something that really struck a chord with me. She said, getting married, having children, those are life choices. It just takes one other person to be willing to get married or to have children. The act of giving birth is physically something we were built to do. This conversation was in the context of something she observed: women often celebrate milestones that are linked or associated with a man. Like marriage, or children. But to make a marriage or relationship work; or to raise a child(ren) that are responsible citizens, who are kind and do not harm the world; that is a life accomplishment. To create work, companies, things that add value to others, that is a life accomplishment. To do things that last, that is driven by passion and discipline, that is a life accomplishment. This was a four-hour conversation that spanned many topics. But one of the things I walked away was this really perceptive comment. We do often celebrate milestones related to men. Why?
And life choices are “easy” but life accomplishments are the things we should be celebrating. The things we have put blood sweat and tears into, that create something beautiful for ourselves and the world. Perhaps blood sweat and tears is not the right choice of words. It’s probably our love, our soul, our light and energy. But you get the idea.
When I let that concept sink in, I felt a sense of liberation. I have been frustrated at my dating experience lately. This conversation allowed me to realize my life choices are related to what I want and what I need. I left a toxic relationship because I chose to love myself. I am single by choice, because I don’t want to be in a relationship, simply for the sake to have someone to cuddle with. I certainly miss that, and have moments where I wish I could have someone to share things with. But I am not willing to do it with someone who is incompatible. I am choosing to do this at the potential cost of not having children in the future. But it’s a life choice. In the meantime, I am figuring out what to do next with my energy. What to build and create, that is important to me, that will also help others, because that is a core value of mine. With that, I hope it will be a life accomplishment, whatever I am building now. That is a life choice that will lead to a life accomplishment.
I started re-reading one of my favorite books, Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frankl. In this version, the foreword is written by Harold Kushner:
Life is not primarily a quest for pleasure, as Freud believed, or a quest for power, as Alfred Adler taught, but for a quest for meaning. The greatest task for any person is to find meaning in his or her life. Frankl saw three possible sources for meaning: in work (doing something significant), in love (caring for another person), and in courage during difficult times. Suffering in and of itself is meaningless; we give our suffering meaning by the way in which we respond to it. […] Forces beyond your control can take away everything you possess except one thing, your freedom to choose how you will respond to the situation. You cannot control what happens to you in life, but you can always control what you will feel and do about what happens to you.
He poignantly captures the essence of the book and is a nice reminder to oneself. What life choices will you make? What life accomplishments will you strive for? And how will you choose to react to the things in your life that you cannot control? Good or bad, This too shall pass. Be present, remember the power of Now.