To freeze or not to freeze (your eggs) round two?

So I decided to freeze my eggs. At the age of 38, soon 39, I decided that doing the things within my control would help with surrendering to the things I cannot. The decision was not something that as evident to me right away, it came with time. I write about this thought process in this earlier blog.

At first, I felt a little sad and alone. I remember feeling a little nervous going to my consultation appointment. Especially as the last time I was at that clinic, I had been with my ex husband, whom we had started the IVF process (luckily I freaked out two weeks before the daily injections were about to begin so we had not gotten very far).

After the consultation, I was emailed a package with quite a few documents to read. There was a point where I couldn’t even bring myself to read the instructions of what to expect. Luckily, I had a great session where my coach asked me, if you were to give advice or speak to your friend about this situation, what would you say to her? It’s amazing, this is such a simple question, and we are often advised to speak to ourselves as if we were talking to a friend (because we tend to be incredibly harsh on ourselves). When she asked that, I brightened up. I would say to her: You should stand up tall girlfriend. You managed to walk away from an unhealthy relationship, really worked on healing, moved homes, live by yourself and started a new chapter; feeling free and full of joy (most of the time). You went inward, you are more spiritual, you are more present, you have grown and evolved so much. You re-discovered your inner voice and strength. You have come such a long way in such a short time! And now, you are choosing to freeze your eggs so you can take the pressure off dating, and be able to enjoy the process. Instead of trying to figure out in a very short amount of time if a guy could potentially be your life partner and the future father of your children, you can simply behave as if you had another 5-7 years to figure things out. You are taking action of the things you can, so you can let go and enjoy other parts. You should be so proud of yourself!

After that break through moment, I was able to look forward to the egg freezing process and be happy that I could do it, and in one or two short months after it was done, I could relax. (Can you imagine the pressure of looking at a guy and saying, are you the future father of my future children?! That kind of pressure on both myself, the poor guy and the relationship does not give it room to breathe and take its natural course).

One month consists of a monitoring cycle, where they look at your normal period of ovulation, release, hormone levels and other things. Please note that I am by no means a medical doctor and all the things I share are from a lay person’s perspective and by no means accurate or precise. Purchasing an ovulation kit at the pharmacy while knowing I am single and not sure when I will find my life partner and if we will have children was a bit odd thing to process in my mind. But I purchased an ovulation kit. I also knew this was me allowing myself breathing space in the dating world and future, which was unknown and not something I should try to worry about or control. The first day of having to inject myself with hormones was a bit daunting. I felt a little nervous and scared, but it actually felt ok. A few days in, for some reason I was feeling nervous and so managed to stab myself with the needle and my thumb would not stop bleeding. As I was trying to inject the hormones and seeing blood sprout out, creating a small mess, I had to smirk. This was amusing.

By the second week, with my clinic, which I have found out is more hands on than others (in a good way in my opinion) required I go in for a blood test at 7:30am, and come back for a second blood test around 11am or 12pm and a scan. This allowed them to really monitor my hormone levels and identify the optimal time to collect the eggs.

Other things that may be pertinent to know about the egg freezing process is that the clinic cannot tell you exactly when your eggs will be harvested too early on (so for those are planners like myself, you can’t simply schedule the procedure a week in advance and try to plan your work and life as usual). Depending on the clinic, you may know a few days in advance. In my case, it wasn’t confirmed until 36 hours before, because they really wanted to monitor my hormone levels and measure the diameter of the eggs that were in my uterus. Which I think is great because it means they were really tailoring the procedure and timing to my body, rather than what was convenient for the clinic. You are supposed to drink two to three litres of water, have a certain amount of protein and not exercise. (For someone who now exercises five to six times a week, this has been challenging.) After the procedure, you should also not exercise for two weeks (which is teaching me patience and to listen to my body. I had naively and overly ambitiously booked a yoga class for the day after my procedure. And signed up for a second year to do the 40 days to personal revolution yoga challenge. I have now gifted that to a friend as it’s clear I will not be doing anything for a least a week or two.) I am now a few days in after the procedure. The clinic retrieved nineteen eggs and fourteen of those were good quality (mature and healthy enough).

In speaking with a few women who have gone through the process, one of the things that some clinics did not discuss with them is what number of eggs harvested is considered good. It’s probably because it’s so hard to decide what is a good number, some have successfully conceived a child with three, others have not with over twenty. Yet, it’s important for us women to share with each other these numbers and experiences, as well as what we wish someone had told us so we can learn from each other’s experiences. I was lucky, in writing my blog A sparkle in time, I shared my thought process from going to being adamant I was going to leave it with fate whether I would have children, to considering freezing my eggs, to finally pulling the trigger. A friend read that entry and reached out to me, offering to share her experience of freezing her eggs at around the same age. She said she had harvested seventeen eggs, which she thought was pretty good. But only many years later, when it was time to use the eggs, that she realized, with the odds, i.e. half die after they are thawed, then half get properly matched with the sperm and then half of that may be viable etc.  You get the idea of the odds quickly diminishing. She says, she is not sure she would have done a second round either way, but she wishes someone had told her the numbers when she was freezing her eggs at the time. Another friend’s friend had harvested twenty three eggs and none successfully led to the conception of a child. It’s important to share this information with others so we can make as informed of a decision as possible.

This makes me consider doing a second round. I am currently a few days in after the procedure so am resting and letting my body heal. I feel bloated and fat. I have been comfort eating because I was nervous about the whole process, added to the fact that I have not be exercising and my pants and clothes all feel tight. But I am aware this is all in my head, the perception of feeling fat and ugly. I am overall, healthy, and grateful to have the opportunity to do this, health, time wise and financially. I am also grateful to the two women who in the same week, pushed this conversation on me because they wish others had done that with them.

Sharing experiences with each other, talking openly and truthfully about the hard and scary topics are really important. In doing so, we will help others avoid or learn from our journey. Others will also reach out to us and share their experiences, those who are ahead of us. And we will learn from them. By doing this, we are paying it forwards and creating a circle of trust, sisterhood and love from a place that could have originally been a deep wound. In doing this, we are healing ourselves and helping others heal.

I am likely going to go for a second round. I have not made any final decisions yet as I am advised to wait one or two months before I can anyway. But I will say, overall the experience was positive. It wasn’t as scary our daunting as I feared. I am proud of the fact that I was able to inject myself with medication every day and it became something I became not only efficient at, but something I felt proud I could do. I felt a sense of empowerment and positivity. I am taking action on things that I can, and know I can do this. I can do this alone, and yet I am never truly alone. I am surrounded by love. And I know I can stand on my own power and strength to carry me through anything. Also, having experienced this minor discomfort, it makes me wonder what being pregnant and giving birth is like! One hundred thousand times more painful, I reckon! But that is a bridge I will cross if and when it’s meant to be. :)

Grateful to have fur baby Chloe in my life. If I am meant to be a mother to a human baby, it will come. In the meantime, freezing my eggs is one way I can give myself comfort that I have done what I could.