How to recognise if you’re dating a narcissist
I was married to a covert narcissist and did not really realise the extent (or the impact) of the emotional manipulation until I had walked away from the relationship and had a bit of distance, (and luck) to put two and two together. I had moments of doubt/questions, months and perhaps even years in advance, but I chose to ignore the feelings, rationalise them away and convince myself that I was in love. That I was with a wonderful person, and I was lucky to have such a great relationship. In sharing this story perhaps it will help you recognize some of the red flags I ignored, and take some of the lessons learned from my journey.
Before even getting married, my ex-husband, let's call him M, did a few things that exert power, but I did not recognize it. I thought it was “cute”, assertive and confident.
I was dating someone (a few weeks in). He asked me: Does this guy challenge you? Can you see yourself with him long term? The answer is no, break up with him. (Essentially, I am better.) I was asked to tutor someone Mandarin (a guy working in Finance). M said, don’t tutor him, he is just looking for a way to hit on you. This is probably a couple of weeks in, of dating M. Both actions, I thought, oh it’s cute. He is assertive and he likes me a lot. Now, I can see it’s unhealthy to want someone who is possessive or afraid of me being in contact with other men. If the relationship is solid and he trusts me, is confident in himself, he should be ok with me meeting other people; man or woman. It’s normal to feel a bit jealous or uncertain, as two people are feeling their way into each other and a relationship. But no one should be telling the other person what to do, who he/she can be seeing/interacting with.
I had a list of qualities I was looking for in a partner, which I shared with M. I told him I wanted someone ambitious, family-oriented, kind, generous and intelligent who would fight for me and persevere in the relationship. He was then able to present himself as the perfect partner for me. A narcissist is incredibly charming, and they will be everything you need and want until they hook you in. They put you on a pedestal and shape themselves into your version of the perfect mate. So, if someone seems too perfect, remember: there is no such thing.
He proposed to me after we dated for one month. At the time I thought it was really romantic that someone was this sure, and this committed. I did say we needed to have a long engagement, and that he needed to meet my family (and if they didn’t like him it would be off). The problem is, once I said yes, emotionally I was committed. This is my lesson learned, I was “locked in” emotionally too early. It doesn’t matter that we had a two year engagement, I was already committed to make things work and started ignoring the red flags and rationalizing them away.
I had my own bank accounts when I was working for the United Nations and living in Geneva. But, as our wedding date got closer, M insisted I closed them, saying that, as a couple, we shouldn’t have anything in single names. It made us think of ourselves as individuals, not as a couple.
We had a big fight over this as I was happy to open joint accounts but I did not see why I needed to close all bank accounts in my own name. We almost didn’t get married over this disagreement. In the end, we agreed that I would put no more than 10% of my salary into that single account and all other income we would put into our joint account. This should have been another major red flag that I should have clocked, but I rationalized. He likes to think as a couple, he is oriented for us to be a team. But in reality, as a team, there needs to be trust, not control.
Towards the last few years of our marriage, I remember saying to him, I feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells with you. At the time, I did not realize this is a term used by people in relationships with narcissists. But now it’s incredible to see, those were the exact words I used. I felt like anything I said, would trigger him, and I needed to tread carefully not to set him off. If you are afraid of being yourself, or feel like you have to tread carefully all the time, take note.
There are many more examples and this could turn into a boring essay or stream of consciousness babble that is not helpful. There are many articles out there that more clearly and concisely list out things to watch out for. For instance, I have recently learned the term love bomb. This article lists eight love bomb signs that you should look out for. Red flags I ignored or did not understand include: gaslighting, projecting (e.g. telling you are negative when they are the ones that actually are), using guilt to get you to do things, making you feel like you are always in the wrong, telling you they know better and want to improve you.
The key lessons from me; a few key things to look out for (these in themselves do not mean anything, but they are things that could be indicators)
Possessiveness
Control
Asserting power over you
Lack of self confidence/insecure
Thinks they know better
Emotional manipulation through guilt, knowing better, anger, sympathy etc.
Incredibly charming, but volatile or unpredictable
You start questioning yourself but you are not even fully aware this is happening
During the eleven year relationship, there were two moments where I asked myself: Am I in an abusive relationship? And each time, I would say, nah, don’t be silly. He doesn’t hit you/control the accounts. (They are not obvious signs of what I expect to be part of an abusive relationship.) But bottom line: Listen to your gut. If you even ask yourself “Am I in abusive relationship?” Explore that thought, do some research. Don’t ignore that little voice.
