6 ways I learnt to deal with anxiety after my marriage ended

This is more than just a toolkit for coping with the ending of relationships; it’s for growth, self love and evolution. But for me, what got me started on discovering these was the end of a marriage.

When my marriage broke down after 11 years, I was left confused and relieved. I didn’t realise how caged I had been until I was able to step away and have some distance from what had happened. I discovered I had been married to a covert narcissist, and the fallout from that realisation was both freeing and complex. This was just the beginning of a real journey in self-development for me. I discovered many ways to manage my anxiety and help heal myself after the relationship ended, which I will share below. Call it a toolbox of activities that you can choose from.

Meditation:

About two or three months after walking away, I started doing pranayama breathing exercises to start meditating. For someone who usually cannot sit still for five minutes, always needing to be doing something, achieving or doing something productive, this was a hard thing to do. You can read more about that in my blog my post on how to start in the meditation journey (coming soon). Trust me, if I can do it, anyone can!

Pranayama breathing is breathing exercises with certain patterns or regulation (e.g. in for 5 seconds, hold for 2 and out for 6). If you need or prefer guided meditation at the beginning, Sam Harris has an app called Waking Up, and you can do a daily ten or twenty minute meditation for fifty days that gets you into the habit

Sadhguru has a few great guided meditations. One of my favorites is Presence Time at 6:30pm every day

After doing a 10 day silent Vipassana meditation retreat, I now do silent meditation with a timer. I use Insight Timer, but any timer, really that allows you to not worry about the time is great. (Vipassana is life changing. It takes discipline and I recommend you thoroughly research it before doing it, but it will truly be worth it. Message me if you want to have questions on this.)

Yoga:

I joined a local studio called Urban Souls (it also truly changed my life) that mainly teaches Vinyassa yoga, but sometimes combined with Ashtanga. The studio was a ten minute walk from where I lived and I went almost every day. The quality of the teachers was so great, I improved quickly. I had started my first yoga class in grad school and had practiced on and off for over a decade (sometimes with a private teacher), yet no one had told me I was doing my chaturanga wrong until Natlie (an amazing yoga teacher) pointed it out in one of my first classes with her! Amy is also another amazing teacher if you are looking for one. If a yoga studio is not close by or finding more affordable ways to practice yoga is a consideration, online platforms with recorded classes for a monthly fee are a great alternative or option to combine in parallel. I am signed up to Glo and love that I can log on and do a class if I can squeeze in something between work calls. I can choose the length of time (e.g. 15 mins up to 90 mins), the teacher, the type of yoga, the level of intensity etc. And it’s very affordable at $18 a month.

Yoga “forces” you to get out of your head. You have to focus on each movement, coordinate your body with your mind. It sometimes looks like an easy pose but each one, with its small movements, and mindful transition challenge you to be present in the now. It’s important to find yoga studios and teachers that are not only about the movement as an exercise, but embrace the philosophy behind it. It will make a real difference. 

Cardio/muscle building exercise:

I have always been naturally small framed, but never really thought about my muscles, and the importance to shape my body, not only from an aesthetic point of view, but in terms of longevity, and strength as we get older. I started doing HIIT classes at GFit, and at first it was to get some cardio in (I had never done HIIT before) but slowly, without realising it, my body shape really changed. I became more toned, lean and I felt stronger. I could lift my labradoodle’s 15kg dog food on my own (it used to be my ex that always carried it), I felt more energy and naturally started eating and craving healthy foods. None of this is new, I am sure there is much literature and knowledge on fitness to be found. This is just to say that doing the cardio and muscle building was not only an outlet for me to release my anxiety and deal with the break up, but it really changed my outer physique and helped create a positive feedback loop of naturally eating more healthy, and feeling stronger, in addition to the vanity metric of feeling better in my clothes.

I then discovered Calisthenics and it has been a game changer. Calisthenics involves movements such as pulling, pushing, bending, jumping, swinging, etc using one’s body weight for resistance. It helps with increasing strength, fitness, and flexibility.  I am stronger than ever and my body continues to tone and I feel in great shape. Especially during lock down, this has been great because I purchased a few basic things (pull up bar, dip bar, elastic, ring row) and am able to do regular workouts from home. I recommend the program from Calimove, as they have different levels. 

Therapy:

I started seeing someone when I started having panic attacks, as my ex and I started discussing and trying to start a family and eventually began the IVF process. My thoughts were, I went from being financially independent (having my own career at the UN), visa independent (holding a diplomatic visa and right to stay in Switzerland on my own right) to now living in London being financially and visa (spousal) dependent on my ex, and I am now going to add children; this is a third dependency and very permanent. 

The therapy was meant to help with the panic attacks, but subconsciously it must have helped me unpack different things. The only thing I can say is, if you can afford it, or if there are therapy resources available to you via charities, government support or other means, seek help. 

Coming from an Asian family with a strong belief that one should be able to sort yourself out, the very first time I sought therapy and told my mom about it; her response was: can’t you figure it yourself honey? Why are you seeking therapy? I say this because she is now very supportive but in many families or cultures, seeking therapy is not seen as something positive. It’s seen as weak, or not self reliant. But asking for help is the strongest and bravest thing you can do for yourself. Admitting you need help is saying, I am not giving up. I recommend you speak to at least three (they usually offer a free first consultation), see which one feels like a right fit. You need to feel completely safe and that you can trust this person with your deepest fears, thoughts and emotions. So take your time in finding one that feels right for you.

Spirituality:

Reading books about choice, meaning of life, philosophies on religion and spirituality has helped me grow and evolve so much that I feel like I am least ten years older in wisdom compared to two years ago. This is not to say I know everything, and there is certainly infinity more to learn. But I have received so much strength through reading spirituality books. Life comes down to choice. How we react to situations that happen to us, sometimes beyond our control. We can’t always plan and control the things that come our way, but we can always control how we interpret, process that, and choose how we behave in response to it. 

A few top recommendations include: (I have a huge list, so if you want additional or other recommendations please feel free to contact me)

Man’s Search for Meaning by Viktor Frakl (a short but powerful read about choices and will really allow one to reflect on life on a deep level)

The Fifth Agreement by Ruiz and Ruiz (super short read, great principles to live by)

The Power of Now; and A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle (the first time I read his book, I wasn’t ready for it. When you are, the things he says makes a lot of sense. It is about being present in the moment)

The Presence Process by Michael  Brown (it’s a ten week long process, if you really follow it you will gain some insights and it will help)

40 Days to Personal Revolution by Baron Baptiste (this is a program, rather than the book alone. I did it through Lumi studios in London). You commit to doing 40 days of yoga (6x a week), joining a weekly group session to discuss your challenges (you can also just listen if you don’t feel comfortable sharing). It helped me in ways I didn’t expect and provided so many incredible insights (I will need to write a separate one on them as I think it may be helpful for others).

I am now able to feel a new level of joy, love and freedom through this journey and acts of healing and self love.

Self love:

We hear this a lot, but we don’t do it enough. Self love includes dropping the word “should” from our vocabulary. It includes putting yourself first, not because it’s selfish, but because if you don’t take care of your greatest asset, you, there will be nothing left to give to the world, to others, to the ones you love. Self love can come in many different ways. Simple things like purchasing and lighting your favorite candle, taking five minutes to meditate every morning even if/especially because you have children, a partner and many other daily life demands. 

I have learned to go with the flow, give myself permission to rest, relax. Not punish myself for being “lazy” or not doing enough. I choose to invest in myself, by putting precious resources into coaching, therapy, learning tools and books. Things that make me feel good, that help me improve and grow. That is not a “waste” of money or time. They make me stronger and more able to give back. Please, be kind and love yourself. It’s the single most important act you can make. 

A long post, but essentially, these are the six things I did to not only cope with, but also really grow from the anxiety in the lead up and the aftermath of the end of an eleven year relationship. 

Meditation

Yoga

Cardio/muscle building exercise

Therapy

Spirituality

Self Love

These six things (in addition to amazing friends and family) allow me to be more centered, connected to my inner voice and intuition. It creates distance from my monkey mind and helps me make better decisions while living more presently. It is certainly something I make a conscious effort to do every day, it’s a habit I formed and some days are easier than others to be disciplined. But the results have been compounding and incredible. Have you discovered any other tools you found useful that you would like to share with me?