If not Now, when?

We will never be fully ready for whatever it is we are preparing for. Whether it’s the “right time” to have kids, write that book, quit that job, sign up for that stand-up gig, leave that unhealthy relationship—familial, romantic or platonic. We always find a reason to put it off, even if just a day. But we just need to do it: Right. Now.

So what triggered this thought? I was catching up with a few girlfriends a couple of weeks ago and the topic of doing a second round of freezing my eggs came up. I was on the fence about doing it again. Was it worth it? How badly do I really want kids? I did one round already and have fourteen good quality eggs in storage. The list of cons goes on: the self-administered injection of hormones, emotional roller coaster, not being allowed to exercise, the weight gain, the inability to control my schedule (you are literally on call for a few weeks). Do I really want to do this again?

My priorities are clear. It’s more important for me to find my life partner. Someone who is compatible and shares the same values, willingness to grow and evolve, so we can hopefully spend the rest of our lives together. If we are lucky enough to find each other in time, I would love to have children. A creation of our love. But if I don’t find that partner or the timing is not meant to be, I do not wish to be a mother. At least not at this point in time. I realize I may change my mind down the road.

My friends asked a few probing questions that helped me. If someone told you today you cannot have children, how would you feel? When your friends tell you they are pregnant, how do you feel? The answer to the first question was, I would feel a little sad if at this very moment, I was told I can’t have children. Not devasted because I quite like having the freedom I currently have and have seen the commitment and sacrifices parenthood entails. But I would feel sad. As for the second question, when I hear of friends being pregnant, I am really happy for them. Then I also feel pang of sadness. I wish that for myself. I would like to find the love of my life, and be excited about creating something beautiful together. Those two questions answered, my friends advised, if you have even any inkling towards yes to kids, you should do the second round. And do it asap, no point in wasting time.

That was the nudge I needed. I agreed that on my next menstrual cycle I would start the second round. It all happened very quickly. I emailed the clinic to ask a few questions, such as, if I do move back to North America, can the eggs be moved there? The answer is yes, if the clinic there meets the quality standards of my current clinic. My other questions were related to when I can start etc. I called on day 1 of my cycle, had less than one hour’s notice to go in for a blood test and scan. I started treatment the same day.

I feel relief. I am glad I am doing it now. I am not looking forward to the lack of exercise, the emotional roller coaster nor the weight gain. But I am excited. I am looking forward to finding out how many eggs I produced. (During this period, I feel like a little chicken making eggs. But there is humour to be found in this situation.) I am looking forward to knowing I did my absolute best to “secure” a future to have children should I wish to exercise that right. In my first round I froze fourteen good quality eggs, the clinic advised that twenty is a good number. I also learned that an embryo (fertilized egg) has four times more chance of leading to pregnancy because a frozen egg has many more stages to survive through. I will be happy to park this emotionally and mentally. Date people without a knife hanging over my head. Scary questions that are guaranteed to stress me out and freak out a guy. Questions like “Are you the future daddy of my children?” On date ONE. No more heavy questions too soon for both parties.

It is also amazing how quickly we forget things. I did this all less than a year ago, but forgot many of the details of the procedure or even how to prepare the needle and hormone medication to inject myself. I write about my first round of egg freezing, the emotional journey and what are some of the things you can expect. This video from the clinic I am going to, gives you a good idea of the most intense weeks. It provides instructions on the injection preparation, delivery and what to expect in term of timing of appointments. I hope this doesn’t scare or discourage you. It’s important to know what to expect, but it’s also a huge relief when you have done it. You can park any fears of time, know you have done your absolute best and move on with your life (until it’s time to either use the eggs or donate them if that is an option for you). If you do have questions about the process, please feel to reach out. I am happy to speak with you on my experiences and answers any questions.  

So, if not now, when? Life is short, time flies and we all have reasons to delay doing something. But bite the bullet, face your fear, end the procrastination. You will be glad you did.