To freeze or not to freeze? (your eggs)
If you were to ask me a year and a half ago, at the age of 37, if I wanted to freeze my eggs in case I decided to have kids, my answer was a resounding no. But now, I feel differently. I want to walk you through my thought process that led from a definite no to a very likely yes in that span of time.
Me and my fur baby Chloe (until the day I am lucky enough to have a human baby—if it’s meant to be).
A couple of weeks after my 37th birthday, I walked away from a decade-long marriage. I gave myself over a year to heal and look inward. To reflect, to understand and process all that had happened. Always a romantic, I believed that when the time was right, I would find the right person after the divorce, doing the things I naturally love (yoga, hiking, book club ) If I was meant to have children, they would come. And if I wasn’t, I would cross that bridge when I got there. I would be sad and disappointed, but my philosophy was, if it wasn’t in the stars, my life is meant to take a different direction.
While I think I will enjoy being a mother, I don’t feel a strong desire to have children without having a partner in crime to share that experience with. I want children as a product of the love my partner and I have.. It’s funny to say that, as I pet the furry love of my life, my seven-year-old labradoodle, Chloe. And I am realizing that, in my own way, I am a single mother, yet I would not trade having her for anything else in the world. Perhaps that is how many mothers or women feel. This is a journey I am going through, and it’s incredible how certain I felt about things, and how they seem to be changing in what feels like a very short span of time. But it’s perhaps because of my age. At 38, like it or not, I have a biological clock and it is forcing me to look at things very differently.
The impetus for me to really be open to changing my mind about freezing my eggs came about from two very real conversations with two women in the span of one week. I was having a one-to-one networking call with a woman when we ventured into my divorce, my age, and this new stage in my life. She is 43 years old and said she married at the age of 39. She wishes people would have told her that womens’ eggs literally fall off a cliff at the age of 40. Fertility rates plummet like no one’s business and she says she and her husband are now trying for a family, but having a very hard time. She emphasized that more women need to share this and she was very frank with me in sharing her experiences. Which takes a lot of courage and I really appreciate it.
I then caught up with a good friend of mine later that week. Sstrong, independent, she had her daughter at the age of 50 through IVF. She emphasized very strongly that 40 is truly a biological cliff and more women need to talk about eggs andfertility more openly, so more women are aware and truly understand the implications. She pushed hard for me to just freeze my eggs, then forget about it. She said, that way I can live my life, meet the right person when that is meant to happen, and not have such a big pressure on the man or the relationship right off the bat.
I let that thought and the two conversations percolate for a few weeks, maybe months. Mentioned it to a few other people; let it sink in. It makes sense.I want a life partner to share my life with. And I want to have children with this person. But with this in the back of my head, it puts a lot of pressure on me to make the “right” decision on which person to be with, and puts a lot of pressure on him and the relationship. It's hardly normal to have to decide we are right for each other and want kids in the span of a few dates. It’s madness!
So, in freezing my eggs, though not a guarantee of anything, it takes off the mental and emotional pressure so that I can just allow the journey to unfold. I can enjoy getting to know a person and see how I feel around him without these heavy, looming questions. My questions can become simpler: do I enjoy my time with him? How do I feel when I am with him? Instead of, is he responsible, reliable? Does he keep his word? Is he thoughtful.
In freezing my eggs, I will create the space, time and distance to simply get to know someone. And the freedom for myself to enjoy that process, rather than feeling the need to rush it.