Dating at 38
Dating as a 38-year-old woman who would – correct-partner permitting – like to have children is an interesting situation to be in. Having come out of an 11-year relationship (two-year engagement; nine-year marriage), giving myself about a year and a half to heal, before being ready to let someone into my life again, has been an evolutionary journey. I have learned a great deal. But, before we get to that, I need to revisit my twenties – the last time I was in the dating landscape.
At the age of 26, I believed I was an adult, mature enough to know what I wanted. I had a career at the UN/not for profit, I had travelled and lived in many countries, I knew what I wanted in a husband. I even had a checklist of qualities I looked for: strong family values, kind, ambitious, intelligent, loving. Many of the things we all look for in a partner. But there were also a lot of subconscious cultural and societal factorsI wasn’t totally aware of in my head.
I had spent six months in Japan as an exchange student during my Master’s degree. In Japan, there is a saying: that at 26 years of age, you are an expired Christmas cake. Don’t quote me directly on that – I forget the exact wording – but essentially, after 25, you are considered old and you should be getting married and settling down. And this was definitely something I noticed in my own life. My mother is quite modern and a feminist, yet even she set me up on a date, for a potentially serious match when I was 25. She chose a Chinese man who was ten years older than I was, who owned his own home and was responsible and kind (she chaperonened as we had sushi together). This is all quite funny when I look back, given that both she and I are in many ways, modern and strong minded. Yet there are so many deeply entrenched messages, accumulated and hammered home over many decades, that it is hard to overcome.
So even at the young age of 26, I felt that I “should” (this is a dangerous word that we need to eliminate from our vocabulary) be finding someone suitable. Enter my now-ex, who ticked all those boxes and seemed to be on the same page as me. It ended up being an emotionally manipulative relationship that I didn’t truly understand the extent of until I walked away from it and had the distance to see it for what it was. But that’s for another post.
Today, I want to reflect on what it’s like to be approaching my forties, aware that I have less time than when I was in my twenties to have children (back then, I wasn’t sure I wanted kids). Yet I am aware that, even at 38, I am young. But I still catch myself sometimes looking at the 40th birthday milestone and having moments of uncertainty and fear. I was always sure freezing my eggs and going through IVF wasn’t something I wanted to do (or I didn’t after I left my ex—we did go down the route of IVF and I was two weeks away from starting the weekly injections before something broke inside of me and I had to walk away). However, as women in my life have been very open about their experiences, I’m starting to shift my thinking.
I chose to take about fifteen months to stay single and really heal, work on myself and start a new life. It was a conscious choice because I wanted to be in the right mindset and emotionally in a good place before I dated again.
About six months ago, I finally felt ready. I felt excited about sharing my life with someone. As a romantic, I really wanted to meet him organically, doing the things I naturally love: doing yoga, or simply living my life. My pragmatic best guy friend convinced me that to increase my chances, I should really give online dating a chance. It’s all about the numbers, he said. So, eventually I agreed to try online dating. I have met some really decent guys who are along the lines of what I am looking for. Yet, it’s still so confusing. As an analytical person, I overthink things anyway. But when you are not super clear on some of the things you want, because you are traumatised by your last relationship (which also makes you question your ability to judge character), it becomes a complete mind fuck.
Is there chemistry? The answer is usually quite obvious, you know from the first meeting. But I try to be positive, I give them a second date just in case. But usually after the first one, I know. When there is, does he have the right characteristics, or is he going to turn out to be not quite what he seems? Will he have some major things that I won’t find out about until a year or two down the road (or maybe five or six years in). Do I like him enough? Does he like me enough? I am not willing to settle for someone who thinks I tick all their boxes. I want someone who wants me for me. Which sounds incredibly naïve and idealistic. So many thoughts, all convoluted, complex and not always logical. Or sometimes too logical that it drowns out my own instincts.
I have met a few interesting men, some I think may be ready for commitment, but either they were not the right ones, or it was too early in my dating experience (a month or two in of my ventures into dating again) and it freaked me out. I have also met people that I think may have all right ingredients to potentially become a great man, but emotionally they are not there yet and probably have a good five to ten years before they are. And I am not willing to wait around to see, especially as they’re not ready to commit.
So I want to have my cake and eat it too. I want to have children, but only if I find the right partner. I don’t want children for the sake of having children. Personally, I don’t feel a need to be a mother unless it’s the creation of my love with my partner. But I am aware that it may take time to find the right person - and to know them properly.
So there we are, a stream of non structured thoughts about being 38 and dating. I’d love to hear your thoughts, and whether this resonated with you? I’ll also write some separate posts on some of my dating tales. Some because they’re funny, and some because there were lessons I took from it that may be helpful to share.