Can you bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul?
I was re-reading one of my posts, The Invitation, a poignant poem about being true to oneself. There are creations of music, art, and writing that immediately move us, touch our core, because it touches our soul. As I read this, it reminded me of how important it is for us to listen to our inner knowing and be true to our very being.
Life is about energy, connection and authenticity. We need to choose activities, people and environments that allow us to flourish, grow and be authentic. Everyone is unique and has gifts that are a combination of life experience, perspectives and skills, that allow us to give back to the world. For example, Derek Muller is a scientist who has the gift of being a great storyteller and videographer. He has taken his unique skills and created a niche, Veritasium, where he can explain complex scientific concepts in a simple way that regular people like myself can understand and enjoy. We all must remember we have skills and gifts that are unique to us, and if listened to them and harness them, it would unleash such joy and value to the world.
Recently, I needed to listen to my inner knowing to make an honest decision about a work situation. I couldn’t quite articulate what I was feeling, which was very subtle but very real. Gaslighting, passive aggressive behaviour, manipulation. Yet, I had been down this road before. I was married to a covert narcissist and for eleven years, I didn’t know I was in an unhealthy relationship. It was not until I walked away because I couldn’t do it anymore, that I really had the space to see things for what they were. So with this work situation, I saw the familiar pattern and at some point I came to the realization that wasn’t going to change. You can’t change people and it’s even harder when the values and behaviours are very covert and insidious. It is hard to articulate or point to, and if you have been in a relationship with someone like that (parent, friend, sibling, partner, colleague etc), you may know what I mean. If you haven’t, it’s really hard to describe. Even now, it’s hard to describe the marriage I was in for many years, except that a great sense of relief is what I felt when I left that union. And it was the same sense of relief when I decided to walk away from the job. So I walked away.
It is so important to stay true to oneself, even if there are many societal shoulds. This time however, I was more in tune with myself and listened to that internal knowing, the intuition we often ignore. The sense of relief was immediate and it has only continued. The reaction to my leaving also reaffirmed I made the right decision. I write this post as a gentle nudge, if you feel something in your gut, listen to it. Ask yourself some hard questions and ask if you deserve the truth. Even if it’s dark, painful or uncomfortable. Are you able to ready to bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul?